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Moment Seven

July 1, 2019

The most amazing moment in my life, it was absolutely everything I ever thought it would be... 

*Magical

*Loving

*Overwhelming (in a good way)

*Beautiful 

*Honest

*Raw

 

It was the moment, my now husband proposed to me.

I was not prepared for the love I experienced in this moment, I will never forget the day he proposed & the time planning our engagement, our wedding & everything in between. 

It was more than I ever hoped for, it was an absolute fairy tale.

 

Now I am sharing with you the above not cause I want to tell you how amazing my relationship is, but to share with you that even though I was feeling so loved by my partner, my friends, my family in this moment - it just didn't matter because I still didn't love myself.

 

So you guys can get an understanding about 'me' a little more; there are 3 things I am good at... cleaning, organising and training.

They are also the 3 things that distract me from dealing with any life problems; like a disorderly eating disorder. 

It was perfect timing - a distraction from 'post comp blues' to start organising and planning a wedding. 

 

I went from obsessing about competing to obsessing about planning the wedding.

Anyway, back to the actual moment

 

The proposal was amazing, but it was actually the engagement party where the moment occurred. 

Take Note: ***The picture above was my actual engagement dress/night & the picture below is the dress I was meant to wear but just couldn't bring myself to do it (eventually, I wore the gold dress - 6 months later to another event; this was a proud moment & a moment I realised my triggers; but that's for another blog)  

I planned everything down to a tee, I had a masquerade event with gold & black colour theme for over 200 guests to enjoy a lovely evening. Until 1 week out I realised that I would be the center of attention.

 

Now, normally I love attention - not going to lie. BUT ... not when I felt like my body was terrible & the thought of people looking at me freaked me out so much, that I decided I wanted to cancel the engagement party.   

 

I had a gold glitter dress that was super tight and I felt so obese in it I couldn't bring myself to wear it, I cried for nights until my husband made me by a white dress which I wore on the night. 

 

My engagement was amazing, but I knew that having these moments of tears and wanting to cancel my own party cause I felt 'fat'; I just knew I had a lot of work to do. I had stopped binging and purging and tracking any calories; I was doing well, but I would still would become guilty for eating anything 'bad'.

 

So, it was my mission to find self love before my wedding.... which brings me to Moment Eight. Stay Tuned!

With Love, Sarah xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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